Forgetful Panic

One thing that has plagued me for years is strange little periods of a panic like fear. They can last minutes or for hours. At worst, they have lingered for a few days. It’s like a sense that you have forgotten something really important, and something bad will happen if you don’t figure it out soon.

There is no reason behind the feeling, and there is often nothing specific that triggers it. It is just a feeling that creeps upon me and sits on top of my heart and lungs, like weighty pressure, making it a little hard to breath.

Even when you reason through everything you have done, have yet to do, and things you actually can do something about, there is nothing you can put your finger on as the cause of the dread. Invariably, it passes and the truth that there was nothing is revealed.

I have been feeling like that for much of today, although I think this time it is due to some concerns I have about dealing with the growing number of jobs I am facing; some offering financial benefit, some not but things I want to do.

Still, these “attacks” are a frequent occurrence, and I have never really spoken about them to anyone, apart from maybe one or two close friends. It has been, until recently, a thing of false shame. You think that something is wrong with you, and all the years of being told to keep your chin up, rise above it, don’t let others see, re-enforces the idea that to be this way is wrong.

Lately, I have been telling myself that wrong is a human concept. Wrong is not a natural thing, only something we humans have imposed on ourselves. Wrong is a rather subjective thing, as you can get different ideas of wrong from different people. I believe the inflated importance we in general have placed on being right or wrong is the cause for so much conflict, both internally and with others.

Your feelings are as valid as anything else. You have the right to show weakness when you need help. By seeing things that are natural in yourself as flawed, causes a conflict between fantasy and reality. The gap is the hole we often find ourselves in.

I suffer from anxiety attacks, and I am getting better at accepting that.

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